There there is no law, but every man does what is right in his own eyes, there is the least of real liberty”—Henry M. Robert.

It seems everywhere we go these days, we see young children demanding toys in toyshops, candy in grocery stores, fighting on playgrounds or misbehaving in restaurants. “One mom, grocery shopping with a child in the cart and a boy by her side, was forced to abandon her shopping and the store,” says an older male shopper shaking his head sadly. “The 3 1/2-year-old demanded candy from the bulk bins, taking one. The mother told him he couldn’t, so he threw himself on the floor yelling and screaming. Not all children are this unruly,” the man laments, “but I see this type of behavior often in the many stores I shop at.”

Where to turn for child-rearing advice?

As a mother of seven and grandmother of 27, I look back with mixed feelings to the birth of my first child, at a time when I, too, had no idea how to train or teach him. I only knew I wanted to be a more involved parent than my own parents had been. However, the role models I had at the time were hardly satisfactory. I knew one young couple that was not only incompetent, but also abusive. The father would flick his finger hard on the baby’s tiny foot every time she cried, and later, I saw the mother hit her toddler with a hairbrush if she didn’t obey.

Another, an aunt of mine, was so concerned for her baby that she was always washing his bottles, spoons, dishes and clothing. If the boy got one speck of dirt, she was washing him up. I didn’t know who to ask for advice. I looked into the innocent face of my firstborn and hoped I would not let him down.

But should such an important job be left to chance? Many new mothers and fathers haven’t the faintest idea how they intend to raise or discipline their offspring. Some seem not to have given it much thought. Most educational curricula do not include courses to teach prospective parents how to rear children, and many young people reject the example of their own parents’ child-rearing practices. This is because they consider their methods too old-fashioned, they were not good role models, or simply see it as a way of asserting their own independence. Child rearing has gotten so out of hand television shows are trying to deal with the phenomena—e.g. Super Nanny, Dr. Phil and even Oprah.

“I hope to learn from my parents’ mistakes,” says Lindsay Davis, a 22-year-old single woman from Port Alberni, British Columbia. Exactly what that would entail, however, she is not sure.

Those who reject their parents’ advice could turn to aunts and uncles or grandparents. But do we want to listen? Or would we rather listen to psychologists, doctors or others who seem to have all the answers in the endless books and guidelines on the subject of child rearing? Neil Postman, chair of the Department of Culture and Communications at New York University, writes in The Disappearance of Childhood, “Many parents have lost confidence in their ability to raise children because they believe that information and instincts they have about child-rearing are unreliable…thus, psychologists, social workers, guidance counselors, teachers and others representing an institutional point of view invade large areas of parental authority, mostly by invitation…resulting in a loss of the intimacy, dependence and loyalty that traditionally characterize the parent-child relationship.”

Not everyone feels that way, however. Anna Lewis, a young woman in her early 20s, says she would raise her children similarly to how she was raised. “I respect my parents, I love what they are and what they stand for. They are ethical, honest, loving people and very strict Germans.”

But, besides asking those we love and trust, is there a dependable authority on the single most important task we will undertake?

God gave us a manual—the Bible—so we can learn how best to function, to be harmonious and happy. Some find the advice in Proverbs particularly helpful: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). In other words, there are right and wrong ways to rear our children.

As with any relationship, the place to begin in rearing children is to lay a good, solid foundation based upon God’s Word. Remember the parable of building one’s house upon the sand? When the rains came, the house fell down. Over the years, I’ve discovered five key ways to build a secure foundation: (1) by taking charge of the very young child, (2) by using the family meal to teach important lessons, (3) by allowing constructive play time, (4) by curbing the use of television and (5) by making the most of the wisdom and support of the extended family or a supportive network of older friends.

The three R’s—respect, responsibility and restraint

In this first installment, I’d like to focus on the initial key—taking charge of the very young child. When I attended school in the 1940s, the three R’s—reading, writing and arithmetic—were our main concern. Similarly, the more abstract three R’s of respect, responsibility and restraint should be taught early, or children and parents may suffer the consequences for years to come. If well-meaning parents try to satisfy their children’s every whim and want instead of laying a firm foundation of solid, basic values, they, too, will find themselves floundering in heaving sand.

Laying a good foundation means being firm and consistent from the beginning. A structured environment is needed where the parents, and not the young child, are in control. Much grief may be spared if we listen to these wise words of Solomon: “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death” (Proverbs 19:18, New International Version). This firm, consistent approach is more likely to establish acceptable behaviors than haphazard physical punishment done in anger or frustration. And if firm, fair rules—such as regular bedtimes, saying please and thank you, sharing toys and listening the first time—are in place from the start, as the child grows in responsibility and self-restraint, punishments or restrictions will be less necessary. A noted child psychologist, Erik Erikson, states that the “reliability of parents to be consistent breeds trust.” Limits assure children of a parental safety net.

Having seven children, I found that each reacted differently to the household rules. Some responded readily, while others were stubborn and headstrong, and some just could not resist negative influences, which counteracted my best-intentioned child-rearing efforts. In one instance, I remember asking myself as a parent why, when I had exerted much effort to teach the rules of “respect for others” to my children, some still did not always talk or act appropriately. As a little child I never talked rudely to my parents. But why not? My mother and father never actively taught these principles. There are genetic differences in temperaments, but I knew there had to be an even more important factor.

I came to the conclusion that, in those days—the 1940s and ’50s—common courtesy and respectful behavior were expected of children toward parents, teachers and other adults, so that is how most of us behaved—at least, when adults were around. There was no television, or other types of media influence, to teach or show my playmates or me otherwise. Our world was small and uncomplicated, and I did not learn to be sassy or ill-mannered because I did not come in contact with that. These thoughts confirmed my notion that little boys and girls are sponges waiting to absorb what they come in contact with. A child learns habits—be they good or bad—from somewhere or someone.

Nationally syndicated columnist and author, William Murchison, points out in Reclaiming Morality in America that respect and restraint play a large role in our lives, but somehow, because of fear or ignorance, teaching these values to our children has fallen by the wayside. “Animals do their own thing, and why not? Being an animal is no big deal. A dog can do it—a pig, an ape. The human destiny, which partakes of the divine—at least our civilization used to believe it did—is higher by far. The journey is infinitely more demanding. The decline of religion in modern times—say, the last 200 years—blurs the human-animal distinction. Respect and restraint? What for? Where’s the fun in all that?”

Start early by providing structure

So, how are we to ensure our children learn respect, responsibility and restraint in a world that has changed so radically in the past 50 years? By starting to inculcate these principles when the child is a few months old, as well as helping the child to avoid bad influences.

The 3-, 6- or 9-month-old cannot set limits for himself or herself. It is the parent’s responsibility to make the decisions when the baby needs to be breastfed, given a bottle, solid food, a diaper change or a nap. If you continually feed your baby thinking his cry always indicates hunger you will overfeed and create an uncomfortable and even more upset baby. But he will also learn that his cries get a certain response from his mother that may not be healthy for the child (a child cannot get too much loving affection!). The child, or the situation, is then out of control with the mother no longer gently molding the baby’s attitudes and expectations. So, most important is “what” the baby learns from “how” you fulfill his needs. If managed appropriately, patterns of cooperative behavior will begin to emerge.

One 10-month-old did not like solid food, so he was given a bottle, which he drank whenever and wherever he wanted, day or night. If he could not find it, or it ran out of milk, he cried. This pattern of behavior could eventually have caused him to become malnourished or led to an eating disorder. And, it might have led him to believe that whatever he wanted should be readily available whenever he wanted it. This is not how life works and this is not the message we should want him to learn.

Change is possible, however, if started early. For instance, my aunt called to say she was ill and asked if I would care for her 8-month-old daughter. By then I was pregnant with my fourth. Her baby was a fussy child, crying and demanding much of her mother’s time and attention. I believe this was because her mother had not set a regular naptime; thus, many times, the baby was simply overtired and cranky. Having a busy household, I needed to provide my niece a well-structured play, sleep, eat and bath-time environment, the same as my own children. Within a week she had begun to respond by happily eating her meals and going for afternoon naps and bedtime without too much problem. She also played more contentedly.

Naptime offers a welcome opportunity to instill habits of self-control and obedience, not only for now, but for the future. For example, a child can be trained to sleep on a foam mat beside you on the floor. If he fusses or tries to get up, pat him on the back, but don’t allow him to rise or wander away. Two or three sessions should establish the desired behavior and twice during the week should keep the habit solid. Then naptime at home, church or while visiting others will not be such a frustrating experience for the parent—or the overtired child.

So, does exercising all of this parental authority mean we do not love our child? Of course not! We all know a small baby needs much care, love and protection—but structure? Don’t worry during the first weeks of your baby’s life—relax and enjoy. But as the weeks turn into months, you must take charge.

Setting consistent expectations

So, what expectations do you have of your newly begotten child, or yourself? Having a carefully thought-out plan is helpful. What is important to you? What are important things for your baby to learn? Do you want him to go to bed without complaint and at a set time? Do you want your child to sit in a highchair without screaming or throwing food all over the floor? Do you want him to have an afternoon nap on a mat on the floor beside you? Are certain cupboards off-limits, or are there ornamental objects you do not want your child to touch? Should he be expected to pick up his toys? Should she listen to your instructions?

Early training, shaping and molding in these all-important behaviors helps develop long-lasting habits of respect toward others, and their possessions, and responsibility and restraint in dealing with their own emotions. (A child’s responsiveness and temperament, of course, determines how difficult this training will be.)

Some parents act as if they believe a child in the 1- to 5-year-old category is a different breed than those aged 6 to 10. They allow the younger ones to indulge in silly, rude and obnoxious behavior such as making faces or sticking out their tongue, stubbornly saying no or making smart-aleck remarks just because they are little. For example, when asked by a parent or adult “Are you going out to play?” they respond with “What do you think?” or “So what?”

To ward off this type of behavior, the teaching of the toddler should be the same as for an older child of, say, 3 or 4. Their abilities may differ, but our expectations for their behavior can be similar. An unacceptable behavior should be unacceptable no matter what the age of the child. Bad habits can attach themselves like super glue. It’s confusing when, at 7 or 8, he wonders why mom, dad and others no longer find his behavior amusing. Bad behavior also should not automatically be excused because the child is tired, hungry or “not himself.” This only teaches the child to use his feelings as an excuse for inappropriate behavior.

A preschool teacher, supervisor, group leader and group daycare owner for over 40 years, Ruth Weber agrees that good behavior should be expected from an early age. Ruth provides a structured environment for six children from 2 to 6 years old. Two bright, sunny rooms (one for structured play, the other with desks and chairs for educational activities) are readied each morning for the children who, under Ruth’s care, are all given responsibilities.

During my visit, the littlest girl, 2 1/2, is told to pass out some crayons to the group, which she does, eagerly, quietly and efficiently. Older children who pet her and praise her are abruptly halted by Ruth who quietly explains that the girl is part of the group, has a responsibility to the group and is not to be treated differently than anyone else. She stresses that they should talk to her as another child—merely saying, “thank you,” etc.—and not as a baby. Following this principle of having the same rules of conduct for younger and older children prepares 2- or 3-year-olds for heavier expectations to come. The children told me they love going to Ruth’s home.

Appropriate discipline

Inevitably, there will be misbehavior or wrong attitudes that will need to be dealt with. Most psychology books argue that children should never be disciplined by spanking, but by reasoning. I believe spanking (which is totally different from beating, which would be child abuse) does have its place in training when done in love and as a teaching tool.

What of temper tantrums, for instance? Or demanding something off the shelf of the supermarket? Proverbs tell us, “A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness, but discipline will drive it away” (22:15, New Living Translation).

Once, my 3-year-old fell to the floor in a temper; another time, my 30-pound 20-month-old, who was in my arms, angrily threw himself back and could have got seriously injured had I dropped him. I spanked with one or two firm slaps on the bare thigh. (Swatting through thick diapers and clothing is ineffective and the child thinks you are playing games.)

Consistent responses to inappropriate behavior quickly teach the child you mean what you say. One piece of advice though: If you do not have the time, energy or are too distracted to back up what you say with instruction or discipline, don’t say anything. Also, discipline must fit the action. If a child spills his drink accidentally, he should help clean it up. If he interrupts, explain why he should not do so. However, there are instances when talk is not enough.

While some children listen to a firm no, others will persist. My 20-month-old grandchild, when told to quit pulling his brother’s hair, stuck out his tongue and spit at his mother. He was given one or two firm slaps to reinforce that he should not repeat this behavior. Solomon tells us plainly, “When the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out, the hearts of the people are filled with schemes to do wrong” (Ecclesiastes 8:11, NIV). This proverb applies to child rearing as well.

Be careful, however, that you do not begin physical discipline too early or administer it for wrong reasons. For example, 6-week-old Julia sobbed for a long time after a spanking she received from her well-meaning parents. The baby had begun crying because of too much handling from friends and relatives. The new parents judged her crying was not a need to be fulfilled, but signs of a temper that should be corrected. Flustered by our own lack of knowledge, it is easy to make mistakes. We need to learn to distinguish a baby’s different cries before we hastily set a course of action.

Teaching respect

Many psychologists say that a child’s respect must be earned; that our own behavior should meet certain standards. It is true that the responsibility for being a good role model begins with the parent. Showing children respect shows them how we should behave toward others, no matter what age.

What happens, however, when a parent, teacher or other authority figure does not, on occasion, measure up to our child’s expectations? Does that justify or give the child a reason to be disrespectful? Certainly not! Children should be taught to respect the status of mom, dad, elder or teacher, regardless, and to honor elderly wisdom. As the Bible says, “The silver-haired head is a crown of glory, if it is found in the way of righteousness” (Proverbs 16:31).

Children allowed to be insolent will learn wrong problem-solving behaviors. Instead, they should be taught to talk out a difficulty courteously and with consideration.

Parents and child alike will enjoy the fruit of the parent taking charge in these early years. Children thrive where there is an abundance of love accompanied by a regular routine and limits, reasonable expectations and appropriate correction. Learning respect, responsibility and restraint will be beneficial for life.