Have you run out of dating options in the Church? Are your latest hopes turning to “maybe there will be someone with fairly similar beliefs on one of those dating apps” or “if they’re a decent person, God might call them anyway, why not help Him out?” These and a host of other reasons have been given for why it might be okay to date and marry outside the Church. Is your heart heavy because as time passes, your options diminish?

Scripture warns against marrying those who do not share our beliefs (Deuteronomy 7:3-4, 1 Kings 11:1-3), because God doesn’t want us to compromise in our worship of Him (John 4:24). So before you sign up for Christian Mingle or ask out the girl/guy you met at a baseball game, consider these reasons not to give up on marrying in the Church.

Good Gifts

How often have you heard one of your friends say, “there just aren’t many guys/girls to date at our congregation/this Feast site/this young adult event?” God’s people are a small flock (Luke 12:32). Recent statistics have indicated that young adults ages 18-32 account for about 20 percent of members/attendees in UCG. About 78 percent of these young adults are single—so you are not alone!

You’ve heard that “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26), and likely reminded God of this in your prayers. And then your mind might turn to thoughts like, “well, just because it’s possible doesn’t mean He’ll say yes.” It’s true that God doesn’t answer all our requests in this life, or necessarily at all. They have to be in accordance with His will. We can’t view God as a genie who grants three wishes or prayer as a lottery with a chance, but a very slim one of winning. Either of these views misses the truth of what God is doing with us.

God views us as His children. “Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1 John 3:1). He looks on us with compassion (Psalm 103:13, New International Version). Jesus taught His followers about how God views requests from His children.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:7-11).

To extend the analogy, let’s consider a child who asks his father for a slice of Wonder bread. A good father would not give his son a stone from the backyard to tease or punish him. However, a good father also wants to give his son good things. He would probably be aware that Wonder bread isn’t the healthiest and would choose instead to give his child a slice of bread that is healthier and provides a more balanced variety of nutrients. Similarly, if the request were a fish, a good father wouldn’t give his child a serpent, but neither would he give his son a catfish or other unclean fish to eat, even if that were the initial request.

We can trust that how God chooses to answer our requests is the most caring way, because He’s a loving Father. If you’re asking for a spouse, and He hasn’t provided one yet, there could be a reason you don’t understand yet, such as being more prepared for the blessing at a later time (see Don’t Just Pray, Prepare!) or the specific person you’d like to be with not being a good match in the long run. Yet, we’re still instructed to ask, seek and knock! God loves to give His children good things, so don’t be afraid to put in a request!

Second Impressions

Forget the notion of “love at first sight”—so many couples meet, but don’t realize till years later that this man/woman might make a wonderful spouse! Some meet as friends while they’re each dating someone else, while others find the guy/girl they’re interested in is single, but doesn’t initially return the interest. Sometimes they’re friends for years and nothing comes of it, until a conversation comes up and sparks interest where none existed before.

And then there’s “weird” people. Maybe it’s a guy who can’t stop staring at you, even though you’ve never spoken. Or a girl who misses a social cue and laughs at something that wasn’t supposed to be a joke. Obviously, don’t go out on a date with someone if you feel uncomfortable, but there’s something to be said for granting a bit of grace. Remember, “the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Maybe a man is unusually short, or a girl has a gap-toothed smile, but sometimes an initial impression is colored too heavily with an emphasis on a mannerism or aspect of physical appearance. 1 Peter 3:1-4 further emphasizes the importance of character over physical appearance. So, avoid dating people whose mannerisms demonstrate character flaws like habitual unkindness or dishonesty, but be willing to look beyond something like a regional accent, badly coordinated clothing or a mistake made in clumsiness.

It’s okay if you’re not attracted to someone, but remember, God doesn’t call a collection of the best-looking, wealthiest people into His Church, and adjust expectations accordingly. “Not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence” (1 Corinthians 1:26-29). Remember, we’re also part of this demographic—the weak, the despised, the foolish—so let’s not be too quick to apply this scripture to someone else.

Unity Matters

Rather than fill this section with the expected, “can two walk together . . .” (Amos 3:3), I’d like to bring out a few practical considerations about life with a spouse who doesn’t share your beliefs. I’m including a few examples, based on real situations, but with names changed and stories combined.

Leanna is excited to join the choir in her local congregation. However, her husband is upset that she not only spends a large portion of Saturday away from the family, but now she’s staying late to attend practices. “I feel like you’re spending more time with Church people than your own family,” he says.

Kevin sits alone in church. His wife and children are at a softball game and a part of him feels conflicted that he can’t be there to cheer them on. He still needs to have a conversation with his wife about time off for the Feast, and whether they’ll join him or not.

Tina opens the envelope her husband hands her, a bouquet of roses tucked into her arm. “I love you, but you know I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day,” she reminds him. “Why can’t we just be like other couples and celebrate our love today?” he complains.

George is at a church picnic, and he couldn’t be happier! However, as the families converse around the table, his wife begins swearing and using lots of other inappropriate language. George tries to quietly communicate his concern to her. “Am I an embarrassment to you?” she accuses.

Marrying someone of the same faith will not always result in 100 percent unity, as you still must work on a relationship. However, when it comes to things like spending time together and sharing spiritual goals, the difference is immense.

Do you want to live with a continually unresolved conflict? It is “better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman [or man]” (Proverbs 21:9). Well, let’s say the two of you don’t have arguments over your religious beliefs. Perhaps you’ve grown up in households in which each parent attends a separate church, or one is religious and the other couldn't care less. Maybe you’re comfortable with this because you’re used to being friends with classmates and coworkers who don’t believe the same way, and it doesn’t faze you to explain why you can’t attend the Saturday football game.

Women, consider this: the principle of godly submission. Since wives are instructed to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-24), we should be very careful whom we choose as a mate. Although our submission is first and foremost to God, we set ourselves up for continual conflict if we marry someone who is not pursuing God's way of life.

And men, before you assume, “well, it’s okay if I marry outside the Church, since I’m still the spiritual head of the family,” read the following: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church” (Ephesians 5:25-29).

Do you want to continually pour spiritual nourishment into a woman who refuses to receive it? Do you want to feel like Hosea must have, when his wife was not on the same page about living God’s way (Hosea 1-3)? Yes, we must be prepared to sacrificially love one another, and we all make mistakes, but would your first choice be someone who complies with God’s way out of obligation, or someone who is on the same team as you?

Already Married Outside the Church?

Now I’m writing to those of you who are married to a spouse not in the Church. And I’d like to be clear about one thing first—I'm not here to say your marriage is a mistake. There are several reasons married Christians may have an unbelieving spouse, including these:

Married, then called

Some Christians are already living life as a married adult, perhaps with children, at the time they are called. God often works in families, calling husbands, wives and children at the same time, but this isn’t always the case. In this group, sometimes a spouse or child is called later, or never at all. It’s especially sad when a spouse chooses to end the marriage, despite your willingness to remain a good mate (1 Corinthians 7:12-15), but remember that God rewards you with an abundant family if you must lose yours for the sake of the truth (Matthew 19:29).

Married, but spouse left the Way

This scenario is particularly heartbreaking, because both you and your spouse had the goal to pursue God’s Kingdom together, but something changed. He or she no longer wants to live the way of life that you both committed to. Remember, God is not done with your spouse as long as he/she repents and returns to God. It’s God’s desire to complete the work He has started in each of us (Philippians 1:6) and He wants as many as possible to be in His Kingdom (1 Timothy 2:3).

Called, then married

If you’ve made a commitment to God and subsequently married outside the Church, you don’t have to automatically give up on the marriage. Even if, after further study and life experiences, you would have made a different decision, given the chance again, what you have now is still a marriage—and can still be a good and beautiful relationship, even if it’s more difficult.

Bringing Your Spouse Into the Church?

Now, many turn to these verses about marriage to an unbelieving spouse: “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy . . . God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:14-16).

Should we, then, go out of our way to marry someone of a different faith, so they might have a chance of being called? No, we do not get to do the calling, only God does. “No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up at the last day,” (John 6:44). These verses in 1 Corinthians, then, are written not as instructions on an innovative new way to preach the gospel, but rather they are encouragement to set a godly example—and let God work with your spouse on His timing.

We cannot choose to force God’s hand into calling someone. Even when we look at a friend’s story and see that he or she married outside the Church and God eventually called their spouse, it does not justify the method. Jacob chose to disregard God’s law and through lying and stealing, grab the birthright blessing for himself (Genesis 27). Did he have to use these methods to receive the blessing? No. Jacob was intended to have the birthright blessing, and he would have received it eventually as God had promised (Genesis 25:23). However, Jacob missed out on the opportunity to see the miraculous way God could have worked it out because he tried working it out his way, on his timing, which resulted in much more heartache.

Is God faithful even when we make a choice we shouldn't have? Yes. Will there be some disappointing results? Sure, there will. But even David, who should not have taken Bathsheba as a wife, eventually received blessings in his marriage—his son Solomon grew up to be a wise king! Even Esther, who was chosen for marriage to a pagan king, found her difficult situation become a blessing when God used her to save her people. So, if you’ve already put a ring on it, don’t despair, as God can still do great things in your marriage!

In Summary

There is so much more that could be said on the topic, but I’ll bring this discussion back to where it started: don’t lose heart!  Finding a spouse in the Church can be admittedly difficult, but no matter where you are in your life and journey towards marriage, you can trust that God has good plans for His children.