Her thoughts...

When will God provide a mate for you? In short, I don't know. But I do hope that sharing my story will be of interest and encouragement to those asking this question as I once did. At 14 I first began to think seriously about what kind of woman I wanted to become and what kind of man I hoped to marry. Unlike myself, one of my close friends had a continual series of boyfriends. Since I didn't have anyone special, I wondered how this might impact me later on and what my life might be like if I didn't marry. As a teen, I looked at unhappy and failed marriages and hoped to avoid their apparent causes. And I considered others who married at various ages to try to predict when I might marry. For me, this generally produced more questions than answers.

Noting that the majority of people did marry, and with Psalm 37:4 in mind ("Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart"), I prayed regularly for God to prepare me and a mate for a successful marriage. I asked that He help us both develop strong relationships with Him, to grow emotionally mature, to physically prepare to provide for a family and to remain sexually pure. And although this verse is not an explicit promise of marriage, I hoped that God would honor my desire.

My longing for a husband waxed and waned. At times I was excited about independence and the freedoms of being single. At other moments, I longed for a soul mate with whom I could build a life together. The former feeling prevailed throughout most of high school and college. Still, in the times of strong yearning, I found it helpful to write occasional letters to "my future husband." I would share what was going on in my life, how I was trying to prepare for our relationship, and my prayers for both of us. I planned—or rather hoped—to give the box of letters to him at some point during engagement.

Another thing that helped me channel the frustration of waiting into more productive action was setting specific goals to prepare for married life and adulthood in general. I wrote down goals ranging from educational and career objectives, to acquiring domestic abilities and interpersonal skills, to traveling and cultural experiences. Single or married, I wanted to be able to support myself (and others, if necessary), serve in my church, manage financial giving, saving and investing, live within my means in a neat home, wear clean clothes, eat good food and travel.

Although it turns out I was actually introduced to my future husband when I was 22, we didn't get to know each other until two years later. In retrospect, I feel God allowed that time for me to mature, pursue goals and learn through some situations I would not have experienced if married. Without having spent time being single myself, I might have found it difficult to relate to challenges that single friends face. I might also have been less equipped to help my own children in this stage someday. Learning to live and share with someone in marriage is very rewarding and something I wouldn't want to face with any less spiritual and emotional maturity than I now have.

While observing the Feast of Tabernacles in San Diego, California, three years ago, Brendan and I each went to Tijuana, Mexico, with separate groups of friends one afternoon. I have only a vague recollection of our brief meeting there (no margaritas were involved). When Brendan e-mailed me two years later, I didn't remember him, though I'd since heard of his family and knew we had common friends. He was attending law school in Akron, Ohio, and I was working in Memphis, Tennessee. He asked what I thought about the city since he was considering a move there. I advised him against coming, but we continued to write and I grew increasingly impressed with his messages and humor. So after discussing much through writing, we began to talk on the phone. And after a few months of that, we began to visit in person. Shortly thereafter, we decided to seek premarital counseling and become engaged. Our first anniversary will be in just a few weeks, and I can't believe I forgot our first acquaintance—however brief. The only reasonable explanation is that God provided a mate for me at the best possible time, and I just wasn't ready in Tijuana.

While God nowhere promises to provide us with physical mates, there are related biblical teachings from which we can take great comfort. God created families, loves families and patterned His entire plan for the salvation of mankind after the model of a growing family. Since Christ will return and marry the Church, He understands our longing for marriage (Revelation 19:7).

Giving a rose

Marriage is an incredible blessing and yet God tells us there are such better things to come that we haven't even imagined them. In 1 Corinthians 2:9 the apostle Paul says, "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him." Paul taught that remaining single or marrying were both acceptable choices for Christians. All of us should draw close to God as the sure marriage of the Church to Jesus Christ at His return approaches. This is the best preparation anyone can make for this life and eternity, regardless of marital status.

His thoughts...

When will God provide? That is an often asked and reasonable question. Answers relating to maturity, financial stability and time and circumstance come to mind. The only problem with these answers is that we have all seen exceptions to these parameters. To me, the main issue is looking to God to provide. He will provide for us if it is in our best interest and if it is in the best interest of the possible object of our affection. When God gives a gift, His purpose is that it bring you closer towards becoming a member of His family. If marriage at this or a later time would not do that, He will not provide it.

I know that this is not the answer that most want to hear. I know that I didn't. I imagined pictures of men and women who seemed to be following God's will and never found the right person. It seemed that waiting for God to provide was just too risky. But, with time and a few missteps, I realized that there was more to God's providing than this.

Calculating

Waiting for God to provide doesn't mean merely praying and waiting. It also includes taking active steps to prepare. Merely waiting often leads to wasted time and opportunities. During this time of waiting for God to provide, we can and should be developing our talents. If we truly want God to provide, we need to look to Him and develop our relationship with Him. By doing so, we will be developing the traits that are most important in a God-based marriage. But, if we aren't careful, we can lose sight of this important concept.

Undoubtedly, everyone's situation is different, yet my story might strike a chord with many and be encouraging to a few. In my teen years I basically knew that I was not getting married anytime soon. While there were times that I felt left out because some of my friends had girlfriends, I also questioned my motivation (and theirs) for having a girlfriend at that time. Obviously, it is natural to want a girlfriend. God designed men to be attracted to women, but even in our late teens very few of us have the maturity or financial resources to support a family.

From Matthew 19:5, we see that by the time we marry, we men should leave the umbrella of protection and support that our parents provide. This suggests having the emotional maturity and financial means to support yourself and your wife. One way to do this is through formal education. Another is through learning a skill or trade. I chose college, yet many have applied themselves to an interest or special talent and have bypassed college. My only warning here is that you should have a definite plan before deciding to fore-go college. Historically, college graduates achieve a higher standard of living than non-graduates. This is significant to a strong marriage in that one of the greatest causes of marital disagreements is finances and the lack thereof. Very few in their teen years are able to provide for a family, so during the teen years we should be preparing ourselves for this important role. Besides, the sooner you prepare yourself, the sooner you truly will be ready for marriage. You might as well get to it. Most people eventually marry in their 20s. It is during these years that they reach the point they can provide for a family.

During college I was able to meet and date some remarkable young women. And it was my intention to stay in touch with these women, though I had decided to finish my engineering degree elsewhere. During this time I very much desired to be married in the next couple of years. But, this was also a very difficult time for me because my father suddenly died and there were serious troubles and changes occurring in the church I attended. Both of these events were powerful and made me wonder whether God had left me. Was He truly looking after me and would He provide?

It is very easy at these times to question God's faithfulness. We can easily point to what we consider sacrifices and say, "Where are the gifts You have promised? Didn't I do this and that because it was Your will?" Looking back at it now, I see that those thoughts were rubbish. God does demand obedience, but He promises the desires of our hearts to those who delight in Him. However, my attitude was not one of delight. I found myself setting up tests of my own creation that I wanted God to pass. Just so you know, this is not how it works. God has made promises, so it is we who are put to the test. God will always deliver.

I spent the next couple of years intellectually going through the motions, but doing it basically my way. Still, in my mind I was waiting for God to prove Himself. He never did; at least not by some physical manifestation. Instead, He helped me realize that the greatest thing He can give us is a relationship with Him. If we do not put that first, then it is moot to ask when God will provide for us, because we are not looking to Him. If we are behaving or thinking in a way that separates us from God, then sadly, what we reap could indeed be only what we sow. So, let's not do that.

So, when will God provide? He will provide when we are ready and if it is best for us. Only after learning in a concrete way that God provides only for our good and on His terms did He allow me to marry a beautiful girl who looks to God. Of course, God will not ask a girl out for you, or tell that special girl that you would like to marry her, so there is plenty that remains in your hands. When you have the opportunity to do these things, make sure you are an honorable man who has been looking to and trusting in God to provide.