In the never-ending quest for success and happiness, families are bombarded with information about how a supposedly normal family manages. Everything from raising children to resolving conflict to how often mates should make love seems to be compared to somebody's idea of the norm. Although the collection of such data is generally compiled with the intent of helping dysfunctional families, many families find themselves confused about what is normal.

What is normal may differ from society to society, since societies and cultures differ. As a husband or wife or as a parent, have you ever wondered what is normal? If so, here is some advice: Forget about trying to be normal.

Experts who advise you to be normal may have the best of intentions. But first consider the difficulties of determining and applying what is normal.

One of the first things to understand is that normal is not a synonym for stable. Normalcy is ever changing. What is considered normal today will soon be replaced by what is normal in the future. Because people determine what is normal, every time societal values change their opinion of what is normal will change.

The family has changed profoundly over the past 50 years. What was considered normal barely a generation ago may be viewed as quaint or hopelessly outdated. Notice how the structure of American families has fundamentally shifted in recent years:

"The idealized norm of the modern nuclear family has given way to a multiplicity of family arrangements . . . The 1950's model of the White middle-class nuclear family headed by a breadwinner-father and supported by a full-time homemaker-mother is currently found in only eight percent of U.S. households. Dual earning has become the norm for married couples . . . Through the influence of the women's movement and sheer economic necessity, nearly 70 percent of mothers of school-age children . . . are in the workforce. With a divorce rate at 50 percent, over one-third of all children will live, at some point, in a single-parent family. Since the vast majority of divorced individuals go on to remarry, stepfamilies are expected to become the most common family form by the year 2000" (Froma Walsh, Family Business Review, Vol. VII, No. 2, summer 1994, Jossey-Bass Publishers, "Healthy Family Functioning: Conceptual and Research Developments," p. 176).

Other factors, too, influence society's definition of what is normal. Family structures can vary greatly across racial and ethnic lines as well as by income levels. Given the variables, determining what is normal has become almost hopelessly complicated. Adding to the confusion, interpretations of normalcy are often used interchangeably with terms such as healthy, typical and functional, which also have their respective meanings.

Still another issue is the desire of some small groups, often representing only a tiny percentage of society, to have their "lifestyle" choices recognized and accepted as normal. This definition of what is normal has been debated and stretched so many ways it is virtually meaningless.

But wait. There is more.

Four definitions of normal

Recognizing that interpretations of what is considered normal vary considerably in the social sciences, Froma Walsh has identified four perspectives to help people understand what other people consider to be normal. They are, she says, "normal as asymptomatic, normal as average or typical, normal as ideal or optimal, and normal in relation to systemic transactional processes" (Walsh, p. 176).

Realize that each definition, while helping define what is normal, also has its limitations.

The "normal as asymptomatic" view is a medical perspective of families who are considered normal and healthy if no health problems are apparent. Yet, as Dr. Walsh acknowledges, "healthy family functioning involves more than the absence of problems and can be found in the midst of problems . . . No families are free of problems" (Walsh, p. 177).

"Normal as average or typical" uses statistical averages to categorize families. If a family matches certain patterns, it is considered normal. Often a bell-shaped curve is used to define normal, with families in the middle range considered normal and those on the extremes viewed as deviations to be avoided. A weakness of this construct is that optimally functioning families—those that exceed the middle range or average—are categorized as abnormal.

The next approach, "normal families as ideal or optimal," attempts to identify healthy families according to idealistic characteristics. Again this approach is open to interpretation. What is ideal, especially when social norms are constantly changing?

"Patterns that may not fit the standard deemed ideal may nevertheless be optimal for the functioning of a particular family" (Walsh, p. 178).

The last perspective, "normal in relation to systemic transactional processes"—in other words, determining whether the family functions successfully or not—attempts to identify the characteristics and processes that allow a family to function and survive. This theory assumes that healthier families use more management and survival skills and problem-resolution strategies and exhibit more flexibility in dealing with life's problems.

In deference to this approach, Dr. Walsh believes it better to define failing processes as dysfunctional (not working) instead of labeling the family itself as dysfunctional.

A question to consider regarding the way families approach problems is "to what end it is functional and for whom? A pattern that may be functional at one system level, or for a subsystem, may be dysfunctional for another" (Walsh, p. 180).

For example, avoiding conflict within marriage by ignoring it may work in the short run but later be the basis for divorce.

In other words, does the end justify the means? Should majority opinion decide what is right, or do timeless, eternal standards exist that families can follow that will not only produce right results but deal fairly with everyone involved? Here is where God and His revealed Word—the Holy Bible—can help.

God's perspective on normalcy

God does not ask us to follow society's standards of what is normal; He tells us to be holy. There is a profound and crucial difference between the two.

God wants us to be normal according to His standards, not someone else's. In explaining this concept to ancient Israel, God said, "Consecrate yourselves therefore, and be holy" (Leviticus 20:7). He adds, "And you shall be holy to Me, for I the Lord am holy, and have separated you from the peoples, that you should be Mine" (verses 7, 26). The apostle Peter explained that holiness is determined by the things we do: ". . . As He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct" (1 Peter 1:13-15).

Holiness entails imitating God rather than comparing ourselves to other people. As Paul explained: "For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise" (2 Corinthians 10:12).

Holiness is the eternal standard God commands His followers to aspire to. This principle has continued from the Old Testament to the New, from the Old Covenant with Israel to the New Covenant with spiritual Israel (Galatians 6:16) today. Members of God's Church are called "holy brethren" (1 Thessalonians 5:27; Hebrews 3:1).

The apostle Paul explains that God "chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love" (Ephesians 1:4). Jesus Christ continues to work with the people whom God calls (John 6:44) so they may be "a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she [the Church] should be holy and without blemish" (Ephesians 5:27).

Instead of settling for normal or average, Jesus instructs us to "be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48, New International Version).

How can we practice holiness within our families?

Holiness within families

Family members who strive to follow God's command for holiness make God's values their values. When a lawyer asked Jesus about the greatest commandment of the law, He responded, " 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 22:37-40).

These commandments embody respect for God and our fellowman. They include a focus that is outward, away from self. Instead of a preoccupation with oneself, God's way is inclusive. When we live holy lives, we are concerned about God and other people as well as ourselves. The foundational principle of holiness runs throughout many biblical instructions for families.

God's instruction that a husband and wife are to love and respect each other (Ephesians 5:21-33) for a lifetime (Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:10, 13) is the ideal for couples and their children. Of course, this is best accomplished when both spouses are committed to holiness and its inherent mandate to consider others as well as themselves. Paul summarizes this principle when he tells us, "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others (Philippians 2:4).

Concern for family members is also reflected in Paul's instruction to fathers to avoid provoking their children "lest they become discouraged" (Colossians 3:21) and for mothers to "bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully" (1 Timothy 5:14).

The Bible contains much additional instruction on the way people can and should conduct their lives. To learn more about the principles that determine holiness and why God wants us to be holy, request our free booklets What is Your Destiny?, The Ten Commandments and Making Life Work. All can help you build a happy, stable family based on eternal values. Since God tells us to pursue holiness (Hebrews 12:14), why not forget about being normal? Be holy instead. GN