When my children were small, one of the toys we played with was a Fisher-Price Rock-a-Stack. Seven colored, plastic, donut-shaped rings were stacked on a central yellow pole. It was one of my favorite learning toys for the kids. It taught colors and hand-eye coordination and was mentally stimulating, as they learned that to get all the rings on the pole they had to put them on in the correct order. It always thrilled them to put the final small purple ring on top, because they knew they had done it correctly.

For certain kinds of puzzles, there is only one way to complete them. Building relationships that lead ultimately to marriage is like a step-by-step puzzle too. For the relationship to work out, we have to have a firm foundation on which to build—and then build it in the correct order. If we don't stack the pieces of our relationship in the right order, we'll never experience the thrill and joy of placing the final piece on our relationship tower.

Spiritual foundation

The largest ring on a good relationship tower comes first. It's something that's not usually considered important before searching for a mate. But it's the foundation for all our friendships as well as the greatest relationship God created for a man and woman. This primary ring is the spiritual foundation. A successful marriage is one in which God, as the author of marriage, is central to the relationship.

We don't usually look at people to see if they are spiritual, but if we associate with people of like faith, they will tend to have the same spiritual values we do. We meet such friends at church services, church camps, church-sponsored family events or the annual religious festivals. If you're associating with people of your own faith, you have a greater chance of meeting someone with spiritual values like yours.

Physical attraction

We usually first notice someone as a potential romantic interest because we are physically attracted to him or her. Physical attraction is the second ring in our relationship building. We may have been attracted by the person's vivid eye color, beautiful hair, engaging smile or buff muscles. Whatever it is that attracts us, it makes us want to go meet this person.

Social connectedness

After engaging in conversation with this person, you'll begin learning about him or her. If it's impossible to carry on a conversation, there likely isn't even the possibility of a friendship relationship.

The third ring on our relationship building tower is social connectedness. As social beings, we can range from very introverted to very extroverted. We will be drawn to people who balance us and to those with whom we feel at ease. This is when you begin to determine if you could spend a lifetime with a potential spouse.

Mental compatibility

During conversations, we learn how the other person thinks, what he or she thinks about, and on what level. If you're on the same or similar mental level, you'll enjoy the conversation and find it stimulating. You will tend to mentally sharpen each other, like the words of the proverb: "As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance [the face, as it reflects the mind] of his friend" (Proverbs 27:17). Each will be able to give and take during conversation and share his or her knowledge and learn. Mental compatibility is the fourth ring on your relationship tower.

Emotional maturity

Following closely behind mental compatibility is emotional maturity, the fifth vital ring for the relationship. Many relationships have failed to thrive because the couple was emotionally incompatible. Both partners must be emotionally mature and thus able to discuss their feelings, their desires and their thoughts in an open manner. Each must be ready to shoulder the emotional responsibilities required of them if the relationship is to have a future. A relationship and later the marriage will grow and develop as each supports the other every day.

Psychological security

Emotional maturity leads to being psychologically secure. Emotionally you understand that your partner will be there for and with you. Psychologically, this stabilizes you in knowing you will always have a support to help you. This security makes each of you stable people in your relationship, your family, your work and your church congregation. This is pictured by the commitment to marriage in the wedding ceremony. It's a public declaration of your commitment. Psychological stability is the vital sixth ring in a relationship that will last.

Sexual connection

After progressively making the previous six steps in a relationship, a spiritually and psychologically secure person is now able to commit to the capstone—the last piece to be put in place—in a relationship between a man and a woman. Regrettably, in many relationships today this step is put first instead of last. But like the rings on the Rock-a-Stack, the tower is not able to be fully assembled and complete without putting all the parts together in the right order.

My children often wanted to put the smallest ring on first because it fit their tiny hand so well, or because the color was so bright and appealing. In the relationship between a man and a woman, the sexual aspect is often what many focus on because it is appealing.

The sexual relationship is the capstone ring of a husband-and-wife relationship. It helps to hold everything else together when it is put on last. It's a unique binding ingredient if it's put on in the right order. But when it's put on in the wrong order, it's destructive to a relationship. It cannot be the effective binder it was intended to be if the other parts of the relationship are not in place first.

Ultimate man-woman relationship

How can you have the ultimate man-woman relationship that will thrill you and bring great joy? The ultimate relationship between two people is built the same way that the tower is built on the Rock-a-Stack. The rings must be put on in the right order. When the parts of a relationship are put on in that way, without skipping any of them, the ultimate relationship can be achieved.

The stacking puzzle was a favorite of my children. They loved it when they completed their tower. Building a relationship is very much like putting such a puzzle together. Each piece is needed, but only in the correct order, in the correct location and at the right time. To build your ultimate man-woman relationship that culminates in a happy and strong marriage, build it the right way!