Have you ever been the target of a bully? Perhaps there's someone at school who makes fun of the way you dress, your height or weight or your ethnic background. Or perhaps someone puts you down because you have an unusual last name, struggle academically or are shy. Maybe you've been slugged, shoved, tripped, teased, mocked or humiliated more times than you care to remember.

If you have, you're not alone. School bullying touches nearly every teenager in America. According to the National Institute of Child and Health Development, 30 percent of teens are bullied on a regular basis, and 70 percent of students experience at least some bullying during their school years. The National School Safety Center estimates that there are about 2.7 million bullying victims in American schools today. Other nations around the world report similar statistics.

Those who are bullied know how devastating it can be. In most cases, it's not just a one-time or even an occasional occurrence. Once a bully has found a target, he usually continues his assaults on a daily basis. Often the bully's cohorts will join in on the abuse as well.

This can put the person on the receiving end in a state of constant anxiety, and it can lead to feelings of embarrassment, depression and social isolation. Guys and girls who are bullied may become so upset about what's happening that their schoolwork and physical health suffer.

Certainly bullying is the total opposite of the Golden Rule, which tells us to "do to others what you would have them do to you" (Matthew 7:12, New International Version throughout). Psalm 11:5 says of God, "Those who love violence his soul hates." God despises bullying! Those who strive to live by the Golden Rule find the very thought of bullying repulsive too.

Who bullies and why?

Rather than the Golden Rule, what's important to bullies is gaining power over others. In the bully's mind, "if he can pick on someone and get away with it, he's dominated that person, and that gives him power," says Todd Migliaccio, Ph.D., a professor in the Department of Sociology at California State University and a leading researcher into bullying.

However, Migliaccio continues, the bully has a much bigger objective than to just make his victim tremble. "The bully already thinks he dominates over the victim. What the bully is really trying to do when he picks on someone is send a message to everyone else about how powerful he is."

Generally bullies go after kids they think they can control—those who appear to be emotionally or physically weak, seem to be naïve or lack "street smarts" or don't have a lot of friends or social skills. Just about anyone could become a victim, according to Migliaccio, if a bully perceives him or her to be inferior in some way.

Just about anyone could become a bully too. "Bullies come from all social classes, ethnicities and family backgrounds," states Yvonne Vissing, Ph.D., a sociology professor at Salem State College in Salem, Massachusetts, who has done extensive research relating to adolescent bullying.

Most bullies are not the stereotypical Goliath-sized guy who's missing his front teeth, comes from a poor family and is failing all his classes. They're generally students in mainstream academic and social circles, not fringe groups. "A lot of times bullies are popular, attractive, smart kids," Vissing says. Neither gender is exempt. A bully is just as likely to be a girl as a boy.

What all bullies have in common is an aggressive tendency, a lack of self-control and little or no feelings of empathy toward other people. "Many times bullies come from families where their parents bully them or each other," Vissing says. "They think this kind of behavior is normal because that's all they've ever seen." Other teens fall in with a peer group that uses bullying, and before long they start doing it themselves.

Types of bullying

Sociologists classify bullying into three main types: physical, verbal and relational. Probably the first two on the list are what comes to mind when you think of bullying. Physical bullying is the hitting, kicking, tripping and shoving that younger boys in particular are known for doing. Stealing, hiding and destroying someone's possessions also fall under this category.

Verbal abuse refers to name-calling, taunting, put-downs, threats, racist slurs and sexually suggestive remarks. Guys and girls of all ages do it.

You may not think of the third type on the list as bullying, but it is. Teens use relational bullying to exclude individuals from social circles. As with verbal abuse, guys and girls of all ages do it. It can include everything from untruthful accusations, malicious rumors and gossip, to excluding someone from your lunch table and influencing others to not talk to or hang out with someone.

Often victims are attacked on many fronts simultaneously. "If you're regularly being beaten up, you're probably experiencing verbal abuse too. If you're being excluded from a social event, you're probably also being bad-mouthed," Migliaccio says. "It can be unrelenting and very, very brutal."

Steps you should take

Bullying is a societal problem that really needs to be addressed by parents, teachers and school administrators. But that doesn't mean there is nothing you can do to help remedy the situation if you are a victim of bullying. Specifically, victims should:

• Seek help. Tell your parents, teacher, principal, guidance counselor or other trusted adults what is happening to you. They will be able to help you develop a plan to end the bullying and provide you with the support you need. In most cases it is not possible to end bullying without adult intervention. And even if you were able to stop the bully on your own, chances are he or she would just find someone else to intimidate. Adults need to know who the bullies are so they can be stopped.

Talk to your Father in heaven too. Prayers to God can be a wonderful source of comfort and strength. Romans 8:31 reminds us, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Always remember that God is there to support you.

• Avoid the bully. Try to avoid situations where bullying typically happens. If bullying occurs on your walk to or from school, take a different route, leave at a different time, or see if your mom can drive you to school or pick you up. If bullying happens in the back hallway as you're coming out of the lunchroom, take the front hallway. If you start to walk into a restroom and realize the bully is in there, use a different restroom. And as an overall safety precaution, it's always wise to avoid areas in your school that are isolated or unsupervised by adults.

• Use the buddy system. Make sure you have someone with you when you're at the bus stop, by the lockers, in the hallways, in the cafeteria, on the bus—and wherever else the bully might be hanging out. If you notice the bully coming your direction and none of your friends are in sight, improvise. Start interacting with anyone standing close to you. That may mean walking over to your science partner who's sitting at a table a few feet away from you in the cafeteria and talking with him about the lab project you're working on. "A bully is more likely to leave you alone if you appear to be with friends," says Vissing.

• Don't show a strong reaction to bullying. If a bully says or does something that bothers you, don't let him know he's getting to you. That means no sobbing, screaming, arm-crossing or looking down. "Bullies want a big reaction to their intimidation and cruelty," says Vissing. "If you act upset, they are likely to torment you even more." The best thing you can do is to look the bully in the eyes and calmly and firmly tell him to stop, and then walk away. Or you can say nothing and walk away. By ignoring the bully, you're showing you don't care. Eventually, the bully is likely to give up trying to pester you.

• Never bully back. Resist the temptation to fight back with physical force (kicking, hitting, pushing, etc.) or with nasty words. The Bible advises, "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath" (Psalm 37:8) and, "Do not repay anyone evil for evil" (Romans 12:17). Don't give in to anger. If you do, you are bound to do things you will regret later (Proverbs 25:28). Aggressive reactions tend to intensify situations and lead to more violence. The best response is always to walk away, find some friends to hang out with and get your mind on something constructive.

The same principle holds true with relational bullying. If you bad-mouth the girl who just spread nasty lies about you, you'll encourage her to gossip about you even more. Harsh responses only stir up more anger (Proverbs 15:1). The best thing to do would be to talk to the girl in private and tell her how she is hurting you, or go to a teacher and see if she can intervene. But don't fight cruel words with more cruel words.

Bystanders need to get involved too

If you're not the victim of bullying, but a bystander, there is something you can do too. If you see someone being bullied, don't be afraid to step up and tell the bully to stop. Tell the bully that what he or she is doing is wrong.

There may be other students witnessing the bullying episode and they may all be uncomfortable watching what is happening. Yet they don't say anything because they think that if they do, the bully will turn on them next. But, Migliaccio explains, "if just one of you can get the courage to stand up and speak out, others will probably add their support and take a stand too."

When that happens, the bully is probably going to stop because he has lost what he wants, which is power over the group. (Of course, you should never place yourself at risk. If you think the bully is out of control, run and get a teacher or other school official to come help immediately.)

Whether you're the victim or an onlooker, nobody wants to confront a bully. But sooner or later, you may have to. What will you do? If you are the one being picked on, will you seek appropriate help rather than trying to take matters into your own hands? If you see someone else being mocked, even if it is not one of your friends, will you take a stand and be a hero to someone who needs your support?

Think about what you would—and should—do before you find yourself face-to-face with a bully. Be ready to do the right thing—and be part of the solution. VT